Phillip Retuta's Blog

The Life and Times of a Filipino-American

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Thoughts on Dying, Death, and the Leftovers.

Taken in 2008, during a ghost tour in Chicago’s Mt. Carmel Cemetery.

Let me preface this post: I have no intention of dying anytime soon, so don’t worry about me, my physical health, or my state of mind.

I was lying in bed the other day, and I realized that if I were to ever die in my sleep, the medical examiner or coroner would be able to pinpoint the exact time of my death. I wear my Apple Watch to bed every night in order to track my sleep, and the app I use monitors my heartbeat or if I’m wearing my watch at all. I assume that if my heart stopped and I died during my sleep (the best way to go, in my opinion), my watch and the sleep app would record the exact minute I passed on. All the data would then be transferred to my iPhone. Good luck, though, trying to figure out my watch or phone’s passcodes.

I know it’s morbid to think about death, but the thought of it has always been in the back of my mind — especially with my family and friends. Those thoughts are only exasperated at the fact that I lost two good friends in the past 6 months. I worry and dread the day either of my parents pass, and I fear I won’t be able to handle it. My dad just turned 76 and has surpassed my grandfather’s age when he died, so I have slight anxiety about inevitably when it comes to my loved ones. We all know it’s coming for everybody eventually, but are we emotionally and mentally prepared for it?

Me, on the other hand? I think I accept myself dying at anytime. It’s entirely possible I could die tomorrow or next year or 60 years from now. I’m a fairly unhealthy individual (hell, I’m trying to be otherwise), but maybe I’ll be one of those centenarians who’ll tell his great grandchildren the horrors of 2020, of Trump, of 9/11, of AOL, and of how Taco Bell removed potatoes from their menu. It’s hypocritical to worry about others dying but not worrying about the death of oneself, and I know my loved ones want me to live as long as possible. I admit, it’s selfish to hold onto others but have a certain degree of apathy towards oneself.

Regardless, I feel like I should make a living will. I’m not rich enough yet to have my own lawyer or create a will on Legal Zoom, so I’ll state my intentions here. This may not be official official, but here’s where I want everything to stand, and how I want to divide my pitiful estate. Who knows, I could get married and have kids, and this could all change.

In the event of unseen circumstances, this is the will of Phillip Nievera Retuta (well, as it stands like right now):

  • I do have life insurance from work, and currently my brother is the first benefactor, and then my dad.
  • I’d want Dusty and Nico’s ashes/paw print and collar given to my parents. They’ll love Dusty as much as I do and would want Nico’s remains.
  • Electronics, computer equipment, and design/camera/media equipment given to my brother. He’ll need it and want it.
  • Fish given to my fish enthusiast friend Gino. He’s the most capable of taking care of my aquarium.
  • Plants to be split up between Morgan, Vi, and Monica. They’re good with plants.
  • Vinyl records can be split between friends.
  • Mark can have my sourdough starter.
  • Cooking equipment given to my mom.
  • Books to be split up by anyone — first come, first serve.
  • Any nice clothes can be split up by anyone — first come, first serve.
  • Dog toys to be split up between Dusty and the rest of the dogs.

I suppose that covers most of my earthly belongings in the unforseen event of my death — but god knows if I’ll buy a car or house next week, win the lottery tomorrow, or suddenly adopt a dozen kittens. It made me realize that when I do make an official last will and testament, this post might cause some conflict: if I die at 107, I don’t want my friends feuding over my LCD Soundsystem records or my copy of David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day. Ah well.

Should I end this with a signature to make it more formal?

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Nico Calendar 2021.

Sure, I can talk about the seditious Capitol riots or Trump losing it (and his Twitter account), but I’m pretty sure I covered that in a post before those assholes did anything. Of course, I stand by every single word, and I’m very surprised at how right I was about them.

Nah, I’m writing that my new 2021 calendars came in, featuring Dusty. And it’s great and even better than the ones I’ve made before. If you’re a friend and you’ve paid attention, I didn’t make a calendar for 2020. The loss of Nico was still raw — and good thing, 2020 was a year worth skipping. Also, after Nico passed in the spring of 2019, I had her 2019 calendar still up, and looking at her for the rest of that year was painful.

This 2021 calendar features a mix of Dusty, unseen Nico photos, and some of my friends’ dogs. Since getting Dusty in August, I simply don’t have enough photographic content to cover a full year, so there are obvious gaps (I didn’t want to shoot Easter photos in December). As an homage to Nico, maybe I’ll continue to call this the Nico Calendar for future years.

What creating this calendar has taught me, it’s how to research and organize again — like a thesis or school paper. Getting all the past Nico Calendars since 2016, I compiled all the important dates (including friends’ birthdays and weird holidays) into a spreadsheet. For special occasions that don’t have a fixed date (like Thanksgiving or Daylights Savings), I made notes that it occurs on certain days (I don’t know why that happens). I now have this spreadsheet that I can refer back to when I make future calendars, making them much quicker to produce for the yearning masses.

If you want to purchase a calendar, you can get them on Lulu.com. All proceeds are currently going to me, but I might switch it to a dog shelter as I had in previous years (I’m just too lazy, and it’s hard to change the revenue settings on my cellphone).

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Thoughts on 2020 and New Years Resolutions.

It feels like each year I reflect on how my year went and how it compares to other years. 2007 was a good year, for instance, while 2005 was an overall shitty year — details I don’t want to exhaust anyone with.

Now that I think about it, both 2019 and 2020 were such awful years. 2019 was when my workplace was going through so many changes with co-workers getting laid off or quitting (hence a fear for my own job security), and let’s not forget losing Nico.

2020 wasn’t any better with the virus, drawing sides along the racial divide, getting furloughed, being financially insecure more than ever, getting kicked out of my apartment, and not having heat or cooking gas into the winter. A total shitstorm that perfectly embodies this year.

Still, despite personal, societal, and political problems, there were some good news to come out of 2020: Biden won and Dusty came into my life.

Coming into 2021, I think I’ll actually pursue some New Year Resolutions: I’ll continue to stop smoking, for one thing. I’ll try to eat a little healthier and lose some more weight, for another. Maybe be more creative and start making dog videos again. Hopefully I can save more money and finally become an adult — like buy a car or buy a home, maybe find a girlfriend. Imagine that? All of this, with the sincerest of desires and a little bit of work, can actually come to pass in 2021 — and I hope this year will be better than the last two.

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Merry Christmas.

Front of this year’s card.

I hope all of you are enjoying your holiday. After skipping 2019 for obvious reasons, I made my annual Holiday Card with Dusty. Inside the card is a QR code that leads to a music video I made. The cards were limited (hell, print is expensive), and I know a lot of the recipients didn’t bother to scan the code (although I kept telling them to).

So folks, here’s the video and the lyrics to the 2020 Holiday Card:

Mogwai flat noses and Cocaine’s are kittens
Giant dog Iro’s and Nori’s white mittens
Doges who bark when do’orbell rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream-gingered Butters and gray n’ white Katsu’s
Skooter’s and Skeeter’s and Bowie’s are cuckoo
Wild Rivers who shed with pet hair that clings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cats named Winona and Doggos named Donna
Olive’s who listen to classic Madonna
Silver Sebastian’s and j’oy he brings
These are a few of my favorite things

When Dusty bites
When s’quito’s sting
When I’m feeling sad
I simply recall Nico’s angel wings
And then I don’t feel so bad

Zoey who dozes and Fozzie’s fur yellow
Bright gold Diego’s and old cat Costello
Thug Waffle thawing at times of Spring
These are a few of my favorite things

Fish having babies and pups riding buses
Bulleit’s with kittens and running with Russes
Vi’olette’s cute socks and Lynx play’ing with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Dusty in dresses and old vids of Nico
Mem’ries of D’Arcy and playtime with Pinto
Figaro int’rupting your Zoom Meet-tings
These are a few of my favorite things

When Logan bites
When litter stinks
When you’re Borking mad
I simply remember my fur-avorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

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Christmas 2020 Musings.

This dumb year.

2020, huh? In my 37 years of unusual existence, this marks the second Christmas ever I didn’t spend with my family. The first time was in 2018, when I knew Nico was dying, and I wanted to spend one last holiday with her and didn’t want to fly to my parents’ new home in California.

This year the pandemic has proven to be hard for everybody, but my mom is super worried about contracting COVID-19. Of course, I don’t blame her: both her and my dad are in their mid to late 70’s, and the last thing I want is to see them get sick or (god forbid) die anytime soon. California is in pretty bad shape now, with 1 in 80 people in the LA area testing positive for COVID-19. Since the viral breakout in the spring, my family have quarantined themselves inside their house. However, when they do venture outside for necessities, they literally wear gloves and a secondary mask over their masks, and when they return home, they douse themselves with disinfectant spray. As vigilant as she is, my mom understands that I’ll be on a plane for 6-7 hours and doesn’t want to risk me getting the virus there or in California. Personally, I’m not as overly cautious as my mom (or even some of my friends), but I get it; if I can minimize the chances down to zero, we can all make sacrifices. My family and I are perfectly satisfied celebrating Christmas virtually, and because of FaceTime and my parents using it to call me everyday, we won’t feel so distant on the holidays.

Yeah, I’m spending Christmas physically alone, and I don’t mind. My parents are in California, nearly all of my New York friends are visiting their families across the country (there’s definitely a sense of COVID-fatigue), and Brooklyn always feels so fucking empty during this time (more so than usual). I recall in 2018, watching Nico slowly die and dog-sitting a bunch of my friends’ dogs as they visited their own families, there was a sense of sadness and loneliness; I did feel alone. I witnessed something I love fade away, in a city devoid of its usual vibrancy because all the other transplants had to see their families.

Now, in 2020, being alone and isolated is the norm, and I feel a lot of us have adapted to such conditions. It isn’t so bad or miserable — mainly because, instead of expecting the inevitability of loss I did with Nico’s last few months and convalescing her as the cancer ravaged on, I now have Dusty by my side. I’m able to focus on this puppy, on personal projects, and hone my skills and talents; Dusty, as far as I can tell, has so much time, and thus I have so much time myself.

This Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I’m ordering a pizza, baking some cookies (using my early, Black Friday present from my parents: a Kitchen-Aid mixer), watching Netflix and classic Simpsons, and giving Dusty some new chew toys and treats. I’ll FaceTime with my parents and probably use Scener to watch Wonder Woman 1984 with my brother. I’m going to make a steak dinner on Christmas Day, as well as bake some chive rolls from Bon Appetit. Maybe I’ll coerce my friends who are out-of-state to play Among Us. And finally, I’ll use the rest of my winter vacation taking photographs and editing some videos from old vacations — just simply catching up on forgotten work.

It’s going to be a very good, a very productive, and a very therapeutic Christmas.

Here’s a song from The Both (Ted Leo and Aimee Mann) that perfectly encapsulates my mood, but don’t get me wrong, I feel great.