Phillip Retuta's Blog

The Life and Times of a Filipino-American

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Composting.

Day 60 of self-isolation.

Over the years, I’ve spent so much money and time buying soil at the hardware store. I’m also constantly removing Japanese Knot-Weed and other various evasive weeds from my backyard that I’d just leave in a fire pit. The pile is so high right now, I decided I should start composting.

Since I’ve been cooking and making coffee a lot at home, I figured I should use the leftovers (egg shells, veggie cuttings, and coffee grounds) as fuel for the compost — in addition to the weed and grass cuttings. The other day, I went to the hardware store to get a large storage bin, in which I drilled way too many holes into, and today my friend gave me a bunch of worms.

I tossed them all together, plus some of the soil and roots from dead plants and wood shavings you’d use for small pet cages, so here’s hoping I have some great fertilizer in the next month or so. My next manly-man project will be creating a wood casing for the compost bin, and integrate it so the container matches with my backyard garden.

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Keeping Myself Busy During A Pandemic: Making Dog Videos.

Day 53 of self-isolation.

Living by yourself during a pandemic and being furloughed can prove to be mentally and emotionally taxing, but I’ve found ways to combat cabin fever and subdue any feelings of anxiety.

I’ve been making stuff.

Whenever I’m down or feeling alone, I’ve tapped into my creativity to relieve any sense of boredom or desolation. The action of making something and producing a piece of art brings me joy, and it let’s me escape from the fact that there’s no one to talk to or hang out with. That’s always been the case even before the pandemic, but during these times it feels more germane. I’ve been cooking and baking a lot, trying to create my own recipes and sharing the photos. I’ve been gardening so that I have herbs and vegetables for these recipes, and when society reopens I have a nice backyard space I can host people in. Of course, both of these hobbies are dependent on whether or not I want to gain more weight or — in the case of gardening — relies if the weather is suitable, so I’ve turned to an old hobby: making dog videos.

Sure, it’s been a year since Nico passed, but I have a lot of footage I’ve taken over the years, leading up to her death. Life thereafter and work became so busy (not to mention allowing myself a time to grieve), so the ideas I had only remained ideas. Fortunately, with all the free-time forced onto me and the lingering sense of boredom, I’ve picked up these projects again. Making videos and generating beautiful or funny things have kept me sane, giving me something to do during those waking hours of idleness and silence. They also make me cherish the time and the memories I had with Nico. What’s better, it’s been cheap: I have the footage, I have the skills, and I have the software, so I haven’t spent anything to create new movies (well, I did buy some tracing paper from Amazon, but that’s for an animation I’ll be making later).

So here are some videos I’ve been working on for Nico’s still active Instagram page. I haven’t released all of them yet (I’m staggering them, week by week), so I guess you can call these exclusives.

I truly want to make more videos (and take pet photos again), but considering that I’m furloughed (ie, money is tight) and our socially-distanced circumstances, I can’t adopt a dog right now. I promised myself that I would give myself a year after Nico passed when I’d open my heart and my home to another pet, but then COVID-19 happened, my paycheck getting reduced in half happened. So I’ve been asking friends with pets and friends themselves to submit videos to me: dogs and cats just sitting in front of the camera, maybe some bark, some humans doing a little bit of acting or light stunt work. Just to keep myself preoccupied and sane, I have to keep creating more content. I feel if I stop, I think I’ll fall back into my own head again, overcome by loneliness, boredom, and financial anxiety. If you want to help, read and fill out this Google Spreadsheet (it’s essentially a call sheet for pet and human talent), and then email/text me some videos.

Click here to view the Google Sheet.

God knows how long this pandemic and lock-down will last, but we each need to keep ourselves busy and sane. I found my way, have you?

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COVID-19 and a Birthday Retrospective.

Day 39 of self-isolation.

Today is my 37th birthday, and I must admit that the current situation of social distancing and self-quarantine gives me some emotional reprieve — especially on this day.

Let me preface that I’m an INFJ.

Outwardly, I may appear as a very social person, but inside my own head, I like being alone and truly dislike having attention drawn onto me. I’ve noticed when I make something I’m proud of and seeking attention, no one cares — but when I’m being myself, I feel unwanted attention is brought onto me. For instance, when I’m in a social situation (particularly one where I have no control over the environment and not hosting), I remain withdrawn and quiet in order to not draw criticism or judgement. My friends like to tease me a lot, and if I talk I get made fun of; if I’m quiet, people wonder what’s wrong. It’s a dumb situation, and hence — as a sensitive guy — I like being alone.

By nature, despite whatever anyone fucking says, I’m a very shy individual. I’ve grown up very withdrawn, attached to my parents’ side at the parties they go to. Throughout elementary school to undergrad, I was always a quiet, introspective student (it wasn’t until grad school and living in New York that I started to break out of my shell). Even today, in group chats, I merely observe the conversations and chime in when personally needed or addressed. It’s these social situations that make me feel awkward, and I reflect to who I was in the past. I use social media (and very much this blog) to give a glimpse of who I am — although I just use Facebook now for animal memes and cute pet photos.

I feel slightly uncomfortable when people sing “Happy Birthday,” and my own emotional baggage makes me feel like I don’t deserve anything nice, much less a day or a few hours devoted to me. Certainly, I’m guilty of giving the special treatment to others on their own birthdays, but my personal psychological characterization thinks “why would I deserve this? Nothing about me merits anything.” I’m a kind, creative guy who gives more than he takes, for sure, but everyone has their internalized flaws. It’s definitely all about self-confidence, something everyone knows I’m somewhat lacking.

So how do I tolerate my own birthday when friends decide to celebrate it? The answer is alcohol; I allow my inhibitions and self-loathing to drown in a glass of whiskey. I’m not much of a drinker, per se, but I will have a drink or two in most social situations. I won’t drink when I’m alone, but at a party, hand me something on the rocks or a glass of wine. Substance escapism is indeed a way to relieve whatever dumb anxieties I have.

And that leads me to today, where everyone is forced to stay away from each other, and I don’t have to physically be anywhere with anyone. By the time this is posted, I’ll be in the middle of a Zoom party with friends near and far celebrating my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment of my friends wanting to get together, and I’m grateful that technology and the social etiquette of our current situation can allow me to remain silent or even momentarily step away; I won’t have to solely carry a conversation, and there are enough tiny little screens that people might not notice if I disappear for a second or two. This year’s birthday, I feel, will be a great one. My primary concern, though, is that it’s going to be a roast, and I’ve told a few people I have a few apprehensions. Even if they’re going to be entertained at my expense, I have enough emotional fortitude to tolerate it (it’ll help that I’ll have a bourbon with me). I love my friends, but my mild social anxiety and my overall disposition of “not being good enough” tends to make me strive for creative isolation — to be alone in self-reflection and improve my artistic skills and imaginative ideas.

Despite this pandemic and my personal (albeit flawed) rationales, being 37 doesn’t feel too different from when I was 36 or even when I was 25. There are a lot of goals I still want to accomplish, and even at this age, I feel I’m not at the level I want to be: I want to have a better job and not have to worry about money; I want to have a wife and kids and a stable home. I want the worries I have about the people I care about to resolve themselves, and in turn make me feel so less co-dependent. I still have a lot to work on myself. Thankfully, I think my coping and emotional skills have come a long way from even last year, and I’m ready to give rational advice and emotional support to anyone who needs it. I’ve lost a lot of weight, too, and I’m making better lifestyle choices, with a goal to be at a reasonable weight by the end of spring.

Who the fuck knows what is going to happen within the next year, when I turn 38 and when things in our world are hopefully better. Nevertheless, I can look back at this post, on the edge of this apocalypse, and see who a younger Phillip Retuta was.

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Drawin’ and Animatin’.

Day 37 of self-isolation.

One of the few blessings of being confined to my apartment and working from home is that I’m able to pickup and resume some old projects and ideas. For instance, I’ve been drawing again.

I can’t recall the last time I picked up a pencil and a pen, but it feels good to sketch. It may have been years since I’ve drawn something, so as I was inking some sketches for a video project I want to work on, my hands (and thus lines) were a little shaky. Still, there’s a sense of therapy just to create something outside of a computer screen.

What I’m currently drawing right now is for a long postponed Nico video, which would include a few animations. I shot footage before Nico passed, but as I was coping with her death and life got too busy, I put off the project. With everything at a weird standstill now, resuming this and other projects is keeping me sane. Ironically, I do need to find or record little, high-pitched screams.

Stay tuned!